I have come to the conclusion that no one has their shit together, and if they do, it doesn’t last forever.
I have spent a great deal of my life trying to do things “right”. I’ve sought after professionalism, tried to work out what makes someone a “real” artist or writer.
I’ve fallen for the pursuit of being “different” and “unique.” And when that didn’t work, I tried to be “normal”.
So far none of this has yielded concrete answers and whatever unnamable thing I’m looking for has yet to be found.
What goes on inside a person that compels them to create? To give a little piece of themselves to something, and maybe even share it with the world?
When you give yourself to a creative work, I don’t think you ever get that piece back. I think, be it big or small every piece you create leaves you different for its existence.
And we can look at the that piece and wonder where we went wrong. Question if we’ve even picked the right place to declare it “finished”. Try to fix our mistakes and vow to never repeat them.
I’ve created something yes. But I’m far from satisfied with it. At times I may even find myself resenting it.
The gap between what I imagined and what I made never aligns properly. It can make it harder to perceive any progress you make because the “idea” doesn’t have a physical form, and therefore cannot exist in our world.
The effort of art can have a great many objectives. Many of them are entirely futile.
You cannot please everyone; “good” art is subjective; Inner piece is a work in progress; Questions are many, and answers few.
What then is the point?
And that’s the thing, there is no fixed answer. I could make one up, but it wouldn’t be satisfying and it probably wouldn’t help anyone.
For the moment I’ve settled on the idea that since I have the desire and urge to pursue art and writing, then I may as well do so.
Fighting it certainly hasn’t done me any favors.
But whether or not art holds the secrets to the universe and the meaning of life, is still up for debate. So I’ll try to be content with what I have within my grasp for the time being.
That being said, I’m not going to delude myself into thinking this is anything new, or that anyone will really care.
I wrote this. I’ve posted it. and now I’ll learn to live with it.
Maybe this will be the start of something really great and all my dreams will suddenly start coming true.
Or maybe this will mar my record permanently beyond repair.
Who knows, this might matter to someone other than myself. Maybe a lot of people will read it. Perhaps a portion of them will even appreciate it.
Or maybe it just sits here, words on a computer server by means of whatever technical magic that makes it so. Until the inevitable time that it all disappears, any record that it ever existed forgotten and lost to time and neglect.
11/6/2024
